In my years on this earth, I have seen and heard parents berate their children and spouses put their significant other down all in public. Now my thought was that if anyone would do this in front of people, I can only imagine what happens behind closed doors. This post is being created to discuss verbal and mental (also referred to as psychological or emotional) abuse as well as how to recognize it and what can be done if it is happening to you or a loved one.
Verbal and mental abuse are two forms that often go unrecognized and untreated. From the outside looking in, a person can appear fine because there are no bruises, lacerations, cuts, or other signs of a physical altercation. However, those cuts and bruises are on the inside in the form of insecurities, lowered self-esteem, anger, frustration, and pain. Just like with physical abuse, individuals will try to cover up these wounds with a smile while others are none the wiser. These are individuals that we know - co-workers, neighbors, friends, even family members. They keep the secret hidden for many of the same reasons as those physically abused. Feelings of guilt, embarrassment, and that it is deserved. But the truth of the matter is that no one should be abused... physically, mentally, or verbally.
What is mental abuse?
Mental abuse happens when someone inflicts emotional or psychological distress on another or subjects an individual to psychologically damaging situations, environments, and/or behaviors. An example of mental abuse can be when a spouse continually withholds affection from their significant other. This can lead to the significant other feeling neglected and unloved, developing negative thoughts about him/herself as well as form insecurities (i.e. "I'm not pretty enough.", "I'm too fat.", "What's wrong with me?").
Here's another example. A parent who is consistently sad and disengaged from the family. First off, this can be signs that the parent is experiencing depression. Secondly, the parent's demeanor towards the family can cause the other members to feel sad and depressed as well. These are just a couple examples, but there are others.
What is verbal abuse?
Verbal abuse occurs when words are used to attack someone. This can be name-calling, criticizing, hurtful joking, and taunting. I once heard a man tell his girlfriend that she needed to lose weight. He went on to say that she was ugly with all the extra pounds. Mind you the girlfriend wore a size 2 and was quite slender. Watching her after his remark made my heart ache for her. She appeared embarrassed and hurt. And these are some of the feelings that go along with verbal abuse.
From another perspective, someone saying to a child "You're worthless.", "I wish you were never born.", or "Stop being stupid." can be just as hurtful as being slapped or punched. Words have power and unfortunately phrases such as these can instill insecurities and self-esteem issues that can follow into adulthood.
Recognizing signs
According to Livestrong.com (May 2011):
From the outside looking in, if you notice that a friend, family member, or someone you regularly come in contact with is starting to withdraw, not behaving as usual, making responses such as "I'm not pretty enough" or "So-n-so said I'm too fat. I need to lose weight", these could be signs that the person is being abused or enduring some other mental distress. Asking directly may cause the person to shut down or deny that anything is wrong. So an alternate approach is to let the person know that they can talk to you about anything whenever they feel the need.
Cycle of abuse
Helpguide.org. (June 2011) has a wonderful diagram that shows how the abuse cycle works. It can be found here . In a nutshell, abuse starts with the abuser lashing out verbally, mentally, or physically. After the attack, the abuser may experience feelings of guilt that lead up to making excuses for why the episode occurred and/or accusing the abused for the incident. Then the abuser will make attempts at returning to a normal state of behavior as if nothing happened and reminiscing on good times. This is often called the honeymoon phase. The last two phases of the cycle mentioned by Helpguide.org. (June 2011) are fantasy/planning and the set-up. What can be deduced from these phases is that the abuser makes a plan to abuse again and sets up the abused. Example, if the abused returns home 5 minutes late, the abuser may make accusations of infidelity. Then the cycle of abuse begins again. The object of the abuse is control.
What can be done?
If you are being abused or someone you know is being abused, there is help. There is no shame in asking for help. This is often one of the first steps towards healing. Talk to a family member or friend that you can trust. Also seek counseling. I have posted websites and a telephone number below for assistance.
References
Livestrong.com. (May 2011). What is Mental Abuse? . Retrieved August 26, 2011 from http://www.livestrong.com/article/133320-what-is-mental-abuse/ .
Helpguide.org. (June 2011)Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abusive Relationships Retrieved August 26, 2011 from http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional .
The above post is the blogger's attempt of awareness and should not be taken as therapeutic or mental health advice. Please contact your physician or mental health provider if you are experiencing issues of abuse.
Verbal and mental abuse are two forms that often go unrecognized and untreated. From the outside looking in, a person can appear fine because there are no bruises, lacerations, cuts, or other signs of a physical altercation. However, those cuts and bruises are on the inside in the form of insecurities, lowered self-esteem, anger, frustration, and pain. Just like with physical abuse, individuals will try to cover up these wounds with a smile while others are none the wiser. These are individuals that we know - co-workers, neighbors, friends, even family members. They keep the secret hidden for many of the same reasons as those physically abused. Feelings of guilt, embarrassment, and that it is deserved. But the truth of the matter is that no one should be abused... physically, mentally, or verbally.
What is mental abuse?
Mental abuse happens when someone inflicts emotional or psychological distress on another or subjects an individual to psychologically damaging situations, environments, and/or behaviors. An example of mental abuse can be when a spouse continually withholds affection from their significant other. This can lead to the significant other feeling neglected and unloved, developing negative thoughts about him/herself as well as form insecurities (i.e. "I'm not pretty enough.", "I'm too fat.", "What's wrong with me?").
Here's another example. A parent who is consistently sad and disengaged from the family. First off, this can be signs that the parent is experiencing depression. Secondly, the parent's demeanor towards the family can cause the other members to feel sad and depressed as well. These are just a couple examples, but there are others.
What is verbal abuse?
Verbal abuse occurs when words are used to attack someone. This can be name-calling, criticizing, hurtful joking, and taunting. I once heard a man tell his girlfriend that she needed to lose weight. He went on to say that she was ugly with all the extra pounds. Mind you the girlfriend wore a size 2 and was quite slender. Watching her after his remark made my heart ache for her. She appeared embarrassed and hurt. And these are some of the feelings that go along with verbal abuse.
From another perspective, someone saying to a child "You're worthless.", "I wish you were never born.", or "Stop being stupid." can be just as hurtful as being slapped or punched. Words have power and unfortunately phrases such as these can instill insecurities and self-esteem issues that can follow into adulthood.
Recognizing signs
According to Livestrong.com (May 2011):
emotional or mental abuse may be occurring if "you are being treated in a way that makes you upset, ashamed or embarrassed." Furthermore, your partner may say mean things to you, threaten you, insult you, put you down, tell you that you make poor decisions, make you feel crazy, isolate you from friends or family, or ignore your feelings.In addition, if you find yourself crying, having feelings of fear or dread when interacting with an individual these could be indicators that abuse has or is occurring. For instance, if your stomach feels tied up in knots like nervous butterflies or you're feeling on the edge or scared of being around someone. I will note that in most situations these thoughts and feelings are ongoing or happen enough times for concern. However, there may be instances where a single event happens that fits the above description.
From the outside looking in, if you notice that a friend, family member, or someone you regularly come in contact with is starting to withdraw, not behaving as usual, making responses such as "I'm not pretty enough" or "So-n-so said I'm too fat. I need to lose weight", these could be signs that the person is being abused or enduring some other mental distress. Asking directly may cause the person to shut down or deny that anything is wrong. So an alternate approach is to let the person know that they can talk to you about anything whenever they feel the need.
Cycle of abuse
Helpguide.org. (June 2011) has a wonderful diagram that shows how the abuse cycle works. It can be found here . In a nutshell, abuse starts with the abuser lashing out verbally, mentally, or physically. After the attack, the abuser may experience feelings of guilt that lead up to making excuses for why the episode occurred and/or accusing the abused for the incident. Then the abuser will make attempts at returning to a normal state of behavior as if nothing happened and reminiscing on good times. This is often called the honeymoon phase. The last two phases of the cycle mentioned by Helpguide.org. (June 2011) are fantasy/planning and the set-up. What can be deduced from these phases is that the abuser makes a plan to abuse again and sets up the abused. Example, if the abused returns home 5 minutes late, the abuser may make accusations of infidelity. Then the cycle of abuse begins again. The object of the abuse is control.
What can be done?
If you are being abused or someone you know is being abused, there is help. There is no shame in asking for help. This is often one of the first steps towards healing. Talk to a family member or friend that you can trust. Also seek counseling. I have posted websites and a telephone number below for assistance.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org/ , 1-800-799-7233
- American Counseling Association: www.counseling.org/Resources/CounselorDirectory/TP/Home/CT2.aspx
References
Livestrong.com. (May 2011). What is Mental Abuse? . Retrieved August 26, 2011 from http://www.livestrong.com/article/133320-what-is-mental-abuse/ .
Helpguide.org. (June 2011)Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abusive Relationships Retrieved August 26, 2011 from http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional .
The above post is the blogger's attempt of awareness and should not be taken as therapeutic or mental health advice. Please contact your physician or mental health provider if you are experiencing issues of abuse.
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