Not Again....

Yet another month without a successful conception.  This month, I wasn't as disappointed or down like I was last month.  Don't get me wrong, it still hurt, but to a lesser degree.  I thought about the stories I heard about my mom and the miscarriages that she had years before I was born, and about other family members that never had children for unknown reasons.  This led my thoughts into wondering if there could be something genetic going on.  I've had all the fertility tests done and all say there's nothing wrong, but there has to be something.  My only justification at this point is that God doesn't feel it's time yet.  That in itself can be disappointing because it seems like there's something wrong with us preventing parenthood and our patience is wearing thin.  Prayer has definitely been helpful dealing with all of this, but I am really curious about the possible genetic link.  We've decided to give it one more month and then off to the doctors we go.

Journey to Motherhood

I felt reluctant to blog about my thoughts and feelings today because I thought it was too personal and I'm still rather raw.  But I changed my mind because I figured that what I might post may reach someone else and help them.  It may also help me to deal with the hurt, anger, disappointment, and pain that have entered my being.

So what am I talking about?  I'm talking about the fact that I have started my period.  My husband and I have been trying to conceive and today is yet another month of feeling like a failure.  Earlier in the year, we went to a fertility specialist to be tested and discuss our options.  The good news is that my husband is healthy.  The bad news is that the quality of my eggs is on the poor side.  Our doctor said that this may improve if I lose weight (she wants me to lose 20 pounds, but honestly I need to lose at least 50).  She suggested that I see a nutritionist and start to exercise more.

Since our doctor visit, I saw a nutritionist and tried most of the options for about a month - including exercising more.  I didn't lose any weight.    Why was it so difficult for me to lose weight?  I hadn't had a problem in the past.  What's going on with my body?  How in the world am I going to get this weight off?  I looked into weight loss supplements, but some caused health issues (didn't want to take that risk).  Thought about liposuction too (would have to pay out of pocket because insurance would not cover it).  All in all, I felt discouraged and pretty much stopped trying anything though hubby and I still kept up our efforts.

My next idea was to do research on obesity and pregnancy.  Most of my findings outlined a potential link between fertility issues and obesity.  And for those where conception still occurred, there is a likelihood that the mother and baby could suffer health consequences.  Once again, I felt hopeless until I saw a program on The Learning Channel featuring women who were obese and pregnant.  The physicians interviewed emphasized that their concerns were with the mother's risk of developing gestational diabetes or preeclampsia.  In addition, there was concern over the use of more medications with the mothers because of the excess weight.  By the end of the show, all of the mother's delivered healthy babies and most of the physicians were surprised that there were no complications.  This was music to my ears, but what about my other issue????

The other issue is that I'm over 35.  It has been said that fertility declines once a woman reaches 35.  Once again, feelings of hopelessness.  And once again I started investigating.  I read about the plight of others via babycenter.com's community.  There were women in the same boat - over 35 and wanting to have their first child.  Some were successful on their own while others sought the services of a fertility specialist.  The oldest woman that had a baby (naturally mind you) was 47.  Definitely a glimmer of hope for me considering that I"m 37. 

With the hope that obesity and age may not be a hindrance for me, I still find that I'm leery about the quality of my eggs.  I don't want to do donor eggs because it would not truly be my child.  I would only be the incubator.  I want a baby that is a part of me.  Is that so wrong?  I've been praying and relying on my faith in God that He would make everything alright, but every time my period comes, it makes me feel like I've failed once again and that maybe I'm being punished.  I'm tired of the cracks about "when are you going to have a child" or "whatcha waiting on".  I'm trying, believe me I am.  It just hasn't happened.  Sure there are women who did not have children and lived happy, productive lives, but do I have to be one of them?  It just hurts so bad.  I'm not sure what our next steps will be.  Keep us in your prayers.