The word "forgiveness" has been following me around for the past couple of weeks. I did some soul-searching to see if there was something I needed to ask forgiveness of or if there was someone that I had not forgave. Nothing and no one came to mind. Then in the middle of the night, it hit me about how forgiveness resembles grief. I had thoughts to get up and post about it, but I procrastinated. This past Sunday, my pastor's sermon was on guess what....forgiveness. I knew then that obviously there was something I needed to do. So here I am ready to talk about forgiveness and grief.
In 1969, a psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, developed a model to describe the stages of grief that we may experience when a loved one is dying or has passed away. The stages are denial ("this can't be happening to me"), anger ("why me"), bargaining ("God, i'll do____ if you spare my loved one"), depression ("there's no point of going on if ______ isn't here"), and acceptance ("I have accepted what happened"). An individual can experience all or some of these stages, and not necessarily in the order that is listed above. For example, someone may not come to the point of acceptance (EKR Foundation, 2011).
So how does grief tie in with forgiveness. Glad you asked? :-) When someone betrays our trust we may go through all or some of the very stages that have been attributed to grief. We may be in denial that someone we trusted could do something against us. It may seem unbelievable. Then we may ask why we are enduring this situation, and become angry that something like this happened. Feeling like a fool for trusting someone may further fuel the flames of anger. As for bargaining, we may make a deal with God to take the pain away for the betrayal or say to ourselves "this happened to me because of ______ so I'll do ______ to make it better". Depending on the incident, an individual may encounter feelings of depression - sadness, not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. Acceptance may come after talking about the situation with the offender, a friend, or counselor. Another option is making the decision not to let it dictate our thoughts and feelings. And with acceptance and peace we can move from unforgiveness to forgiveness. As with grief, some may go through all of these stages or just a few of them, but inevitably the goal is to accept what has happened and move past it.
As I write this post, I am reminded of a situation that happened to me as a pre-teen. My mom had moved me and my brother to a different city, and I loved this new environment. I was surrounded by people that looked like me and were more friendly and accepting than where I came from. After a few months, my mom moved us back to our hometown. I couldn't believe this was happening. Didn't she see how happy I was? Didn't she take my pleas not to leave seriously? I was saddened and depressed about moving again and that turned into me becoming pissed beyond all pisstivity and it showed. I was mean to my mom and dad and distanced myself. Believe me, they tried to break through the wall I had built up, but nothing was working. I don't recall going through a bargaining stage, but I did come to the point of acceptance and forgiveness many years later. I held on to negative feelings and loomed them over my parents head even after they had passed on. I blamed them and their decision for my unhappiness and why my life was as it was. It wasn't until I came to grips with the situation and understanding what was happening with my parents that I forgave, let go and moved on. And in so doing, I realized that I allowed this one situation to block a multitude of wonderful things that my parents did for me and others.
Is there an area of your life that seems to continually bother you? Is unforgiveness the culprit? If so, how will you deal with it?
Source: EKR Foundation. (2011). Five Stages of Grief. Retrieved October 6, 2011 from http://www.ekrfoundation.org/five-stages-of-grief.
In 1969, a psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, developed a model to describe the stages of grief that we may experience when a loved one is dying or has passed away. The stages are denial ("this can't be happening to me"), anger ("why me"), bargaining ("God, i'll do____ if you spare my loved one"), depression ("there's no point of going on if ______ isn't here"), and acceptance ("I have accepted what happened"). An individual can experience all or some of these stages, and not necessarily in the order that is listed above. For example, someone may not come to the point of acceptance (EKR Foundation, 2011).
So how does grief tie in with forgiveness. Glad you asked? :-) When someone betrays our trust we may go through all or some of the very stages that have been attributed to grief. We may be in denial that someone we trusted could do something against us. It may seem unbelievable. Then we may ask why we are enduring this situation, and become angry that something like this happened. Feeling like a fool for trusting someone may further fuel the flames of anger. As for bargaining, we may make a deal with God to take the pain away for the betrayal or say to ourselves "this happened to me because of ______ so I'll do ______ to make it better". Depending on the incident, an individual may encounter feelings of depression - sadness, not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. Acceptance may come after talking about the situation with the offender, a friend, or counselor. Another option is making the decision not to let it dictate our thoughts and feelings. And with acceptance and peace we can move from unforgiveness to forgiveness. As with grief, some may go through all of these stages or just a few of them, but inevitably the goal is to accept what has happened and move past it.
As I write this post, I am reminded of a situation that happened to me as a pre-teen. My mom had moved me and my brother to a different city, and I loved this new environment. I was surrounded by people that looked like me and were more friendly and accepting than where I came from. After a few months, my mom moved us back to our hometown. I couldn't believe this was happening. Didn't she see how happy I was? Didn't she take my pleas not to leave seriously? I was saddened and depressed about moving again and that turned into me becoming pissed beyond all pisstivity and it showed. I was mean to my mom and dad and distanced myself. Believe me, they tried to break through the wall I had built up, but nothing was working. I don't recall going through a bargaining stage, but I did come to the point of acceptance and forgiveness many years later. I held on to negative feelings and loomed them over my parents head even after they had passed on. I blamed them and their decision for my unhappiness and why my life was as it was. It wasn't until I came to grips with the situation and understanding what was happening with my parents that I forgave, let go and moved on. And in so doing, I realized that I allowed this one situation to block a multitude of wonderful things that my parents did for me and others.
Is there an area of your life that seems to continually bother you? Is unforgiveness the culprit? If so, how will you deal with it?
Source: EKR Foundation. (2011). Five Stages of Grief. Retrieved October 6, 2011 from http://www.ekrfoundation.org/five-stages-of-grief.
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